Don & Maria sit in silence in front of me. Don had shouted at Maria after she accused him of stonewalling. Both look at me to take their side in the fight. They have come to couples therapy for a fix. The usual method is that each person has to change to suit the other.

Then Don said: “Do you think we should be together? You must have a lot of experience of working with people”
I replied: “You want me to decide whether you stay together or not, because of my experience of people in your situation”
This line of questioning went on for a few minutes – both becoming more angry with me: they turned away from each other and faced me – waiting for me to reveal the magic fix. For the first time in the sessions they had joined in alliance to be angry with me.
I replied: “You appear to have joined together to be angry with me for not giving you a way out. In fact you have created an alliance together against me: and the alliance feels strong”
Both looked at each other in recognition that perhaps they do have a strong alliance but …..

There is no technique in this. It is not the therapist’s business to keep the couple together or apart. But a common enemy can bring couples together. The therapist is used as a distraction, a vent for all the angry energy in the relationship. This is not a magic fix: but can show the couple that their bond is still strong – it just gets blocked in the relationship.

The therapist takes the alliance energy and reflects on it kindly: giving back a version of the alliance that they have built together. This can show that the relationship is worth continuing or not ……

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