Lukas started the session: “I am guessing that your Father might have fought my Grandfather in the war”
Therapists are afraid of these sort of comments – frightened that they are going to get drawn into a conflict. Conflict though is where the work is. I asked him to continue as if that was true.

“Well …. your father would have fought my grandfather: they would have been enemies. One country trying to destroy another country.” I was surprised and put me into reflection.

Lukas and I have a testing relationship. He talks a lot about European politics in an informed way: nothing personal. It struck me that he has placed me in the transference of the enemy. If I was the enemy, I was attacking him and he had the right to defend himself. In our relationship a defense against his connecting to his feelings.
Lukas continued “if this was true you would see me as the enemy, hate me, and want to kill me”

In reality he has a point. Part of family scripts include our parents’ history including living through periods of war. These prejudices filter down into friend/enemy stories: however little or much talked about. This is no modern urban social racism: but set in the reality of enemies at war.

From a transference perspective we are all orientated around survival. To do this we primitively, instinctively want to be around the familiar, the same. War cements our prejudices in a real reality of the other wanting to kill us. To this extent we are all racist: fuelled by real/imaginery fears of difference. I reflected on my racism, and then with my relationship with Lukas.

To bring the shadow into the light: I might agree with Lukas. That we are all prejudiced, biased, racist. That this creates doubt & mistrust. That this is a natural reaction to our own safety, and consideration. It benefits us so that we can remain in a defensive state. For most therapy is a place of unsafety posing the opportunity to look at the self. That this is a good position to have between the two of us so we can both remain defensive & shut down.

I observe relational depth is gained counter intuitively by awareness of the darker sides of our characters. We all have them. An honesty & awareness around our shadow bias creates a possibility of trust & connection.

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