Gia looked up and said ” … but I really love the guy” Love or Longing?
We all think we know what we mean when we hear the word love in a conversation. There is a general consensus what we mean when we say that we love (or hate) our parents, siblings, children, friends, work colleagues.

But the guy Gia is referring to – is inattentive, absent, withdrawn. She wants more from him. But he is unable or not wanting to give himself to the relationship. Neither of us can work out how or why? She blames the distance. He is a mystery to her and therefore me. Gia spends a lot of time imagining who he might be or what he feels about her. She talks about what she wants from him: a closeness, intimacy ‘a real relationship’ as she puts it. Yet this is what she calls love.

And in a way she is right. Coming from absent self absorbed parents all Gia has known is a loneliness, a gap, a missing, an emptiness. A longing for a version of love that she has never had.I feel the gap in the room between the two of us. I mishear, don’t understand, get distracted, get things wrong. Falling into the invitation of the self absorbed absent parent.

To understand that we love how we experienced early love is resisted. To be aware that we repeat our love experience – rather than create a model of a healthier love causes us pain. Gia love is longing, and the guy is the guy she loves to fuel the longing. It’s easy to think that Gia is in the wrong relationship. But is she?

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