Adrian Scott Counsellor Supervisor MBACP Accred

The Democrats have lost again. Twice. For similar reasons.  
They missed: blinded by their own light.
In 2016 they missed the Deplorables. In 2024 the Working Class feeling poor.

Their outlook of fairness, reasonableness, with no discernable policies was projected into a loss. Like all groups of people we don’t learn from the repeat unless forced to. Like the Johari Window we can only see what we want to see because it is familiar. We are blind to difference, frightened by unknown values.

Democrats and their principles are founded on an educated elite which the majority of the American people feel excluded from. The frontier country wants something more dynamic. Of action. Not caring what that action might be.
“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are” Anais Nin

Copyright Adrian Scott North London Counsellor Blog 2024
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This weblog is the view of the writer and for general information only.
This article is designed to provoke argument and critique
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Apparently there are enough empty houses in the UK to satisfy the population without building anymore.
Many houses are empty because families cannot let go of them. They have sentimental value. They were brought up there, or thier mother died there etc.

It’s about Loss again. We all struggle with it. We have little help in a culture obsessed with youth, progress, & busyness. Yet how we cope with loss has a major impact on the quality of our lives. We can be stuck: unable to let go. Going round and around. Some actively keep the loss alive to try & keep its memory vivid and sharp.

According to social media objects are valueless and it’s relationships that hold meaning. It is more complicated.
As in the empty house example things or objects are symbolic. It might be obvious to some: but unknown to others. We hold onto people and relationships, dead or alive. More obvious for the dead relationships. But we keep symbolically present relationships worn by the reality of existence, by dreaming they are better relationships through objects. The money, heirlooms, jewellry, stocks, create the illusion of comfort & safety. The area we live in, the school we went to. The fanciful dreaming of what might have been, or could be.

In childhood we use objects to transition through difficult phases of development. And in adulthood. Cars, watches, same walks, & shops keep us in minor rituals so that we can be rooted/pegged to a life that has some meaning.
Perhaps like pets ….

Copyright Adrian Scott North London Counsellor Blog 2024
All rights reserved Disclaimer:
This weblog is the view of the writer and for general information only.
This article is designed to provoke argument and critique
Details changed for confidentiality

With trends like OK Boomer and Millennial Sensitivity the clashes between the generations continue.
As they always have. Generational characteristics form us particularly around our peer group. They are an intrinsic part of our early experience. We remain still but the ever moving culture changes behind us. This evolution creates an inevitable mismatch between our generation, and the generations before and after us.

In terms of feelings a revolution happened.
The silent generation traumatised by War brought up children without any notion of feeling. As though feelings didn’t exist. Stiff Upper Lip. Survival literally: fear of death literally was the experience. A shortage of shelter, food, luxuries creating a cold minimal attitude to life where peoples’ feelings were not counted.

The newer generations are more in touch with feelings, and have expectations that feelings are recognised and acted on. Brought up in a more peaceful time, with more opportunity to reflect on feelings. These generations are more motivated by feelings which previous generations cannot understand. Not their experience. So they criticise.

What will feelings be like for future generations ……

Copyright Adrian Scott North London Counsellor Blog 2024
All rights reserved Disclaimer:
This weblog is the view of the writer and for general information only.
This article is designed to provoke argument and critique

Play is an important part of child development. Play initiates a curiousity and enjoyment. A conerstone of a good therapy is the ability of the person to be playfully curious about themselves. And notice. To have learnt to play in safety gives a looseness, a spontaniety. A mocking playful sense of self as being odd, quirky, nonsensical, contradictory, absurd, ridiculous.

To explore yourself skeptically, from the viewpoint of an outsider with a playful curiousity, gains awareness of who you are, how you are, and your journey taken to this point now in the present.

If you have no experience of play as a child – then the reaction is to be tight. Scenarios have to be predicted to be made safe. Unplanned happenings are frightening and provoke fear anxiety. Self protection is the big driver blocking off play and creativity. Adults are lucky to play. Most have an internal super ego that has gone beyond the role of looking after. Holding back, keeping down. Beholden to the man.

Children are allowed to play more than adults. Adults have pets to play. Laugh and encourage the pet to play is admissable. But can the adult do the same?

Copyright Adrian Scott North London Counsellor Blog 2024
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This weblog is the view of the writer and for general information only.
This article is designed to provoke argument and critique

Gia looked up and said ” … but I really love the guy” Love or Longing?
We all think we know what we mean when we hear the word love in a conversation. There is a general consensus what we mean when we say that we love (or hate) our parents, siblings, children, friends, work colleagues.

But the guy Gia is referring to – is inattentive, absent, withdrawn. She wants more from him. But he is unable or not wanting to give himself to the relationship. Neither of us can work out how or why? She blames the distance. He is a mystery to her and therefore me. Gia spends a lot of time imagining who he might be or what he feels about her. She talks about what she wants from him: a closeness, intimacy ‘a real relationship’ as she puts it. Yet this is what she calls love.

And in a way she is right. Coming from absent self absorbed parents all Gia has known is a loneliness, a gap, a missing, an emptiness. A longing for a version of love that she has never had.I feel the gap in the room between the two of us. I mishear, don’t understand, get distracted, get things wrong. Falling into the invitation of the self absorbed absent parent.

To understand that we love how we experienced early love is resisted. To be aware that we repeat our love experience – rather than create a model of a healthier love causes us pain. Gia love is longing, and the guy is the guy she loves to fuel the longing. It’s easy to think that Gia is in the wrong relationship. But is she?

Copyright Adrian Scott North London Counsellor Blog 2024
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This weblog is the view of the writer and for general information only.
This article is designed to provoke argument and critique

Some therapists don’t like Bowlby’s traditional Stages of Attachment Theory.
It can be over simple and doesn’t capture the complexity of the pre-verbal repeating experience. It is a helpful start to understanding transference and is a neat & easy to remember theory/model. Straight forward to put yourself in one of the stages to explain a behaviour.

An updated version called Attachment Regulation Spectrum adds a welcome complexity but still relatively simple understanding of attachment. It opens up the theory to be on a spectrum where you can have certain attachment styles in different relationships. Some relationships activate unconscious parts which create different coping strategies. And they alter & change along with the development of the relationship.

The podcast is long: and cannot escape a connection to neurology and the modern malaise of change, healing & being fixed. Versus our pre-verbal world being who we are: heal it and we stop being?

Copyright Adrian Scott North London Counsellor Blog 2024
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This weblog is the view of the writer and for general information only.
This article is designed to provoke argument and critique

Maslow travelled to study the social dynamics of the Blackfoot Tribe in the summer of 1938.
Practitoners are familiar with Maslow’s Heirarchy of Needs as a way of seeing people in relationship to their lives.

In fact the study reverses the familiar triangle of self actualisation at the top of the pyramid (being yourself) as the Blackfoot tribe saw self actualisation as a basis for life: not a goal.
The Blackfoot Tribe gave value and status to the members who gave everything away to those more in need. Wealth is owning nothing.

People in the tribe who are deviant are not excluded from the tribe. If they changed their behaviour they are redeemed. Children are treated permissively but listen to adults and elders from an early age. All members are seen as valuable through a system of community actualisation. There is no word for poverty as the community provides the basics for living.The nearest idea to poverty is the loss of family. There is a strong relationship to place and people. If you spend your whole life in the same place with the same people it is preferable to be generous and trusting.

Maslow could not fully embrace his findings against the thinking of an individualistic society. Humans needs are interdependent not heirarchical was too much against the western way of being!

Maslow like Freud with the Viennese Medical Establisment & many other luminaries throughout history with opposing ideas could not publish what they found or believed in for fear of rejection & dismissal.

Copyright Adrian Scott North London Counsellor Blog 2024
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This weblog is the view of the writer and for general information only.
This article is designed to provoke argument and critique

In the social media age words become more than their meaning. Triggered is one of these words.
It seems to mean one someone else doing or saying something setting off a chain of emotions inside us.
Depending on the user this gets expanded into either the responsibility of the trigger or the triggered.

At worst we can feel victimised by our triggers. But if the study of ourselves is an art then our triggers are an opportunity & guide to see ourselves through painting with depth & colour. The shape and colour of ourselves is constantly changing. Shape shifting. Some triggers become better known with repetition. Some noticed, familiar but not thought about. Others remain unknown.

In our minds we can create crime scenes from triggers. We will never prove or know what happened. But we can imagine scenarios leading upto the crime scene. We can update or alter these scenarios through resonating, familiarity, coolness or warmth. Like a jigsaw puzzle piece – turning it playfully to see where it might fit.

Triggers expose our traumas in the trigger light. Trauma is what shapes us: creating our uniqueness: quirkes, complexities. Never to be known by ourselves or others. To celebrate what is not provable or known takes skill and courage. Our fear would thwart us in this task.

Copyright Adrian Scott North London Counsellor Blog 2024
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This weblog is the view of the writer and for general information only.
This article is designed to provoke argument and critique

Watching Labi Siffre on Top of the Pops was a particular experience. He seemed out of time and place.
Himself, raw and vulnerable. It was almost too much in contrast to the other acts and the medium of television.

Black Gay Atheist Introvert Depressive – this all came across in his playing and voice.
He was brought up in a middle class household, privately educated. A family dominated by his overbearing Father. His mother invisible. Whom he chose to protect.

He lives in remote parts solitary composing with an urge to return to playing live. He claims that his home life is most important to him – that and his music. The only two things he felt he was good at. He retired from music to look after his partner through illness.

He didn’t like the limelight. He wasn’t mainstream. He shared cut ups with David Bowie. The hip hop world sampled his music. Including Eminem but forced him to change the homophobic lyrics.

He imbibes a kind of calm strong protest. From a life of dealing with his Father, and an unenlightened unsympathetic time.

Copyright Adrian Scott North London Counsellor Blog 2024
All rights reserved Disclaimer:
This weblog is the view of the writer and for general information only.
This article is designed to provoke argument and critique