Missing a bus, a train, the beginning of a movie. Time and missing is familiar and frustrating to us.
In one sense we are all concerned about missing. The missing child, the missing tumour.
But what about being missed?
In a consumerist culture there are suggestions everywhere on what we should buy and what we should have. The message is that we are missing something to complete us. Goods are bought to satisfy a need: but the satisfaction is temporary. Another object must be bought. If only we could have it. We would be OK! Everything would be alright.
It is not what you are missing. But that you are being missed.
People are missed. We miss loved ones who are away. We miss those who have died. We miss a lack of something that other people give us. An emptiness reveals a missing. These people recognise and value us for who we are.
Ever started a conversation about something that bothers you with a friends or family only to have it taken away from you? The other person weighs in with their example! You have not been listened to heard. What happened? You have been missed.
Being missed is a common experience. Do we recognise it? Yet it hurts us. We collect up all these unresolved hurts. Is it more helpful to think of the opposite of being missed? Being recognised? Being accepted? Someone being interested enough to enquire about what you feel?
It is easy to be missed. Others project strong feelings onto you. People hide from being recognised preferring to be missed.
To be aware that we are being missed is key. The pain that comes with it means our emotional compass is switched on. The compass gives us direction through a feeling sense of ourselves. We are informed about what we like and do not like.
To be able to trust our emotional compass is difficult. We have to be aware of our feelings and where they came from. Are they about others’ expectations of us. Or truly what we feel?
For example: finding yourself in a relationship where you are missed might suit you. It is too painful to be recognised. But then this might not be good for you. You have a dilemma: avoid the pain of being missed, and risk never being recognised.
It is a central human need to be recognised for who we are. Yet it is painful. Our strengths and weaknesses are complex and hard to deal with. We wish we were somebody else. To deal with the reality of who we are and the repercussions that has on our lives is what our lives are about.
Copyright Adrian Scott North London Counsellor Blog 2013
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Disclaimer: This weblog is the view of the writer and for general information only.
This article is designed to provoke argument and critique.